Mega urgent help needed for BBC documentary

[nurse]

On Wednesday I am doing some filming work for the BBC around being a new parent and experiences that go along with that.  I need some witty anecdotes that you guys don't mind me plagiarising and making my own for comic effect!  They want me to be funny!  people tend to laugh at me rather than with me! I have a few of my own but they want them to relate to different areas of parenting which I won't be told about till Wednesday!  Therefore if I go armed with as many as poss I figured fore warned is fore armed.

I will go into details about the BBC programme when it's finished, contractually can't talk about it till its 'in the can'

Any help much appreciated!!

I tried to get the bike on camera but they were having none if it!

[The General]

I`ve got some for teenage years but for new parents I guess Jerry Seinfield said it best:-

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

[Dads_FJ]

I once told one of my son's he was like a ball of clay... and it was my job to mold him as close to me as possible - except without any of my imperfections.  The problem was, is that it was his mothers goal too.

[Harvy]

How about scary?
Son number 1 was around 2 years old...... I was working on the roof of our 2 story house, look around and here he is walking up to me with a hammer in his hand.........he just climbed the ladder and decided to help!

Son number 2 was about 3........we were at a swimming pool, up the shallow end for the kids, so he decides to go down to the other end, climbs up the 5M ladder and jumps in - he could swim but not THAT well!

Harvy

[Dan Filetti]

I thought it would be cool to provide my 2 year old twins with a real hammer and nails.  Those Fisher Price jobs were pretty lame to my eye, you see.   I had pre-drilled the nail holes in a small length of 2X4  and provided them some 6d nails, so it was easy to hammer them in and remove them for re-hammering.  I have a small, 6 oz. hammer that worked well.  They loved it.  That was until they fought over the hammer...  This particular quarrel, my daughter wound up with it and then gave my son a good thump on the noggin to punctuate her triumph.  This resulted in a golf ball sized welt on my son's head!  At the time this was scary, but it turned out fine, and we laugh about it today. 

Needless to say, we went back to the Fisher Price model after that.  Interestingly, they did not like the demotion to the plastic stuff, and never really played with it after that. 

Dan     

[nurse]

Good, keep em coming!

Anything related to relationship with other half?

Or related to getting out of the house with baby for the first time - like 'the time you left the baby in the carrier on the roof of the car and went to drive off' type stuff! need humouros but not scarey stuff!!

[craigo]

Children are like taking photos, you never know how they will develope

   Alfred E Newman

[Bill_Rockoff]

Andrew's mom decided on bottle-feeding him, starting about the second night.  This worked out okay because it let me take some of the midnight feedings.  Late one night, I had him on my hip in the kitchen while I fixed him a bottle of formula at the kitchen sink.  I was running hot tap water over the bottle to warm it for his consumption, and I had him supported in one hand.  Next to the sink, we had a Rubbermaid dish drainer, the thing that holds wet plates and glasses upright to dry, and on this particular night it had a couple of glasses hanging on the outside tabs and a couple of small dishes, but it was mostly empty.

Anyway, I moved both hands over the sink to test the bottle's temperature on my wrist, supporting baby Andrew on my hip with my left arm.  He moved his head and I went to move my hip under him more to move his c-g back beneath him, but I was against the counter already and couldn't move my hip enough.  I had the leverage to slow but not prevent his descent, and I got my hand under the back of his head to support it and cushion it, but I still wound up with my arm and my son going "CLANK!-rattle" into the dish drainer.  

The sudden motion and noise scared him to tears, and it was about three seconds before I heard angry footsteps coming down the stairs, which nearly scared ME to tears.  I had to think of a good reason why he might have started crying suddenly and so loudly.  Andrew's mom appeared in the kitchen doorway, angry expression enhanced by puffy bloodshot eyes and tangled spiky bed-hair, and growled at me, "WhatDidYouDoToTheBaby???"

Thinking quickly, I answered, "I dropped him in the dish drainer."  

DAMMIT.

She stormed toward me with outstretched hands and said, in a voice you may have heard proclaiming that there is no Dana, only Zuul, "GIVE HIM TO ME!"

Maybe this helps explain the high divorce rate that we enjoy in the US.

[Dads_FJ]

I used to bring my new-born in the garage with me while I worked on my bikes.  I used bungee cords and tie-downs to make a 9 foot pendulum and swing him from the rafters.  Only needed a push every 20 minutes or so...

[nurse]

I used to bring my new-born in the garage with me while I worked on my bikes.  I used bungee cords and tie-downs to make a 9 foot pendulum and swing him from the rafters.  Only needed a push every 20 minutes or so...

I like that one!!

[Mark Olson]

true story happened to me:

I am taking a shower and my wife hands me our 1 yr old who has need of a wash off after a poopy diaper , she goes back to making breakfast and I wash the kid and set her down in the bottom of the shower and I am washing my hair when my 1 yr old decides to use my manhood as a hand hold to pull herself up. 
I yelled and the baby laughed and my wife comes running in and says "oh look the baby is standing up all by herself".

2nd true story:

It is my day off, 100 degrees out side and the A/C quits working. So I am up on the roof changing the condenser fan motor in the A/C unit of my home . My 2yr old daughter is playing in the backyard with the dog and I can see her so I think everything is ok. My wife is at work and other kids at school and I told my 2yr old we would play a game after I was done fixing the a/c. I go back to finishing the repair when much to my surprise she is standing next to me holding a six pack of Budweiser and says "you look hot daddy ,I brought you something to drink". My heart stopped as I know she just climbed a 24 ft extension ladder carrying a six beers and walked across 20 ft of roof to get to where I was. All I could think was , thank God she didn't drop the beer!   

[Dads_FJ]

Good one Mark!  lol-ing...  

Here's my 'oh-shit' story.  I have three boys, now 16, 14, and 12, but when they were 4.5, 2.5, and .5 I wasn't used to having three boys.  One weekend day we had some shopping to do... it was raining so I dropped off my wife and the two older boys at the door and I'll go park the car.  See where I'm going with this?  I park the car and meet her at the store and she's like "where's Johnny"?!    and I'm like "oh fuck"     and she's like         and I'm like   and    yup, right in the car where I left him.

[Lotsokids]

6 kids here... hence the screen name. I don't know where to start.

The best one: I was in the Air Force, deployed to the desert. My wife loaded up the kids and went to church. On the way home, our daughter, maybe 10 years old, yells from the back seat, "Mom, I accidentally picked up someone else's Bible!" Mom says, "Do you know who's?" "Yes." my daughter said. "Her name is Genine. It's printed right here on the cover. Genine Cowhide." [Genuine Cowhide]

My wife had to pull the van over because she was laughing so hard.


The more sober side of the spectrum.

Life lesson: If you have a child that has abandoned all of your guidance and left in rebellion, realize that this child is making independent (bad) decisions. Don't beat yourself up about it and take all the blame. Just love them, pray for them, and wait in the doorway, anticipating their return.

[nurse]

Cheers guys, I'm off to get some beauty sleep now, wanna be purdey for my close up!  Will check in the morn for any last minute funny stuff!  I will let you know how I get on!  I may well use the car park story dads_fj!!

[Bill_Rockoff]

Dads_fj got a lucky break, but the forgetting-the-kid-in-the-parked-car situation ends badly often enough that you may want to think twice about using it as a basis for comedy. A younger guy in my dads department did that - it was the routine for the wife to take the baby, she needed the husband to take him this one time, kid fell asleep in the car seat, dad spaced it and just drove to work and parked in the car park like always.