Employee Handbook

[pdxfj]

Employee Handbook

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE
It is advised you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, and alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our great company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

[Arnie]

I used to work there, but not for long 

[FJmonkey]

Employee Handbook

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE
It is advised you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, and alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our great company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Long live Garth!!!