10 things they never told you about being a biker

[aviationfred]

I sourced this from Rideapart.com

So, after months of nothing but Ramen Noodles, you've saved up enough loose change to put down a deposit on your first motorcycle. An exciting new world with leather jackets and without traffic, right? Sure, but there some other...stuff, too. Stuff no one else has told you about becoming a biker.

1. Bees & Animals
Bees are a pretty innocuous creature, so long as they're in the backyard. Sure, if you hassle them, you might get stung, but in general, they leave you alone if you leave them alone. Get on a motorcycle, though, and the humble bee is transformed into a weapon of mass destruction.

At anything over 10mph, a bee in the face/neck/any exposed body part will feel — and this isn't an exaggeration at all — like you've just been shot with a rubber bullet. And, in its final throes, the bee will sting you. Probably in the face, because it's trapped inside your helmet.

All of that takes place while you're attempting to operate a relatively complex machine in busy traffic with absolutely nowhere to pull over safely.

Bees have also evolved the extraordinary ability to find gaps in your waterproof, hermetically sealed riding suit that nothing else, not even a drop of water, can penetrate. The bee will always find a way. Normally, it's around your neck, plunging down your chest and stinging you as many times as possible before your frantic self flagellation manages to squash it. But sometimes, it'll find its way in around your waistband, then proceed to sting you on the genitalia. Really, this does happen and likely will happen at some point in your riding career. Car drivers will pass by flummoxed by the odd, leather-clad man frantically stripping on the roadside while hopping around with a swollen face.

Animals, too, have been put on this planet for the specific purpose of performing Kamikaze missions on passing motorcyclists. In rural areas, deer will wait in the roadside undergrowth, listening for the approach of a bike. At the very last second, when it's far too late for you to take evasive action, they'll fling themselves into your path, or maybe just leap straight for your head.

Even domestic animals like to get in on the act. Cats will test your reflexes by bolting from underneath cars to underneath your wheels. Dogs will feel it's their duty to hunt you down.

2. You're Now An Expert Meteorologist
Forget the TV weatherman, you're going to develop a better ability to read weather radar maps, cloud formations and wind patterns than anyone with an actual degree in the field. And that's because the weather is now absolutely critical to your day-to-day life.

Can you make it home from work before the storm hits? If so, what's your latest time of departure, chosen route and necessary average speed to make that possible?

Will it dip below freezing on your commute tonight? If so, should you pack your heated gloves or is the ride short enough for simply your heavy duty winter ones?

Is the rain today going to be light, meaning you can get away with leather or heavy, meaning you need that Bibendum suit?

Slicks, road tires, intermediates or full wets at the track day next week? You'd better know for sure, because that deposit is non refundable and it takes four days for tires to arrive.

3. Say Goodbye To A and B
Before you had a motorcycle, you always tried to find the quickest and most direct way to get around. In a car or truck, it was efficient and practical to do so. Now that you have a bike, you'll be willing to go 100 miles out of your way to visit a store or restaurant that has the same stuff as the one in your neighborhood. You'll find yourself with entire States between you and home, amongst strangers and in strange places that you never knew existed, just because. You'll tell your family you're just going out for a quick ride, then return hours, sometimes days later, not entirely sure where you have been. And it won't matter, because you were riding.

4. Manholes, Paint and Tar Snakes
Utility companies go around placing large, slick metal plates in the road, precisely where motorcyclists need to ride or, in intersections, put their foot down. In the dry, that's no big deal. But, in the rain? A wet manhole (no sniggering, please) becomes a deadly skating rink. Put a foot on one and your boot instantly slips, meaning you'll drop your bike. Hit one while turning and you'll be laying on the ground.

Road markings take on a new life in the wet, too. Nearly as slippery as manhole covers, they can make the back end of your bike weave around as the tire hunts for traction. Even under the gentlest of acceleration.

And then there are tar snakes: cracks in the road filled with liquid tar. In the winter, that tar freezes and becomes strips of black ice. In the summer, it melts and feels pretty much the same. The cracks they're installed to patch tend to be in the heaviest sections of wear on the road. You know, like the apex of a corner or downhill, approaching a corner, where you want to be braking. They couldn't have been designed to catch you by surprise any better.

5. Friends & Strangers
So scrimped and saved to buy your first bike, and now your friends are going to want in on the action too. No, not by going out and buying their own, but using your new pride and joy. Most are just going to want to pose for a new Facebook profile picture on it, but some are going to swear riding competency and want to take it around the block. Don't let them, they'll inevitably return holding only a pair of (now detached) handlebars and a story about how it's not their fault.

Complete strangers will start approaching you, too. Normally old men, who will want to recount stories of the old Triumph or Norton they once rode. They'll tell how your bike reminds them of it. Well, until they realize your bike is Japanese, at which point they'll look shocked and walk away.


6. You Become A Better Car Driver
Before you bought your bike, you were content to be a sheep. You'd complain, of course, other people's driving was never as good as your own, but you were seemingly powerless to do anything about it. You just say stuck in the flow, merrily texting and tailgating away.

But now that you've ridden a bike? You're suddenly hyper aware. Not just of the risks and the bad driving and that nasty pothole six corners ahead, requiring a specific line begun now to avoid, but of the utter ridiculousness of it all. That guy in the $100,000 Porsche? What a poseur, that thing is slow. That guy driving the eight-passenger SUV all by himself? How unnecessary. All these thousands of people sitting in a traffic jam? That's it, this car's going on Craigslist.

7. Waving Etiquette
Visit any forum and you'll find novel-length screeds on the rights and wrongs of whome you should acknowledge while out on your motorcycle, and how. Should you wave at people on scooters? Will that thug on the sportsbike come chasing after you should you fail to salute? Do cruiser riders count?

You could spend every moment of your ride waving at anyone and everything, which is just mental. It's probably best just to get on with the task in hand and ride your bike. Unless you see another riding unwittingly approaching a speeding trap, in which case it's your sacred duty to tap the top of your helmet. Got that?

8. Working On Your Bike
Your new motorcycle likely came with an owner's manual, full of specifications, technical drawing and suggestions on how to not end up with a worthless pile of parts stacked up in your driveway. You can see engine and all of the important bits and how hard can changing your oil be, anyways?

Take the time to read up about any work you want to do online, talk to knowledgeable friends and spend some money on acquiring the correct tools. And yeah, it's not that hard.

There's no obligation to take your bike to an authorized dealer and working on it yourself won't invalidate your warranty, provided you don't screw it up. If you don't, you'll end up with an enormous sense of accomplishment, along with fresh oil.

9. Your Bike Is Stronger Than You Think
Oh my god, you hit the rev limiter! Forgot to adjust the chain! Your tires are 2psi off! Relax. Your motorcycle is a lot tougher than you would think. It's a highly capable feat of modern engineering and, part of its design process is devoted to making it stand up to your ham fisted abuses. Yes, you can take your bike on a trackday. Yes, you can take it on that weekend road trip. Yes, you can ride it fast and hard and put it away dirty. Your bike's not going to melt in the rain.

10. The Boogers
Probably the least glamorous part of riding a motorcycle is the stuff that's going to start coming out of your face. Live in a city? You'll be inhaling so many carbon particulates that your nose will quickly clog up with black goo, then start leaking it down your face. Ride in the cold? Your nose will run the entire time. Kicking the snot off your upper lip will keep it from spreading across the rest of your face, then drying into a crusty mess. After every ride, you'll blow your nose and it will come out black, brown, yellow and, if you've been riding anywhere dusty or around a nasty chemical plant, likely red too. You need to carry a hanky and you'll need to wash that hanky every couple of days, because you will be using it, heavily.


There is so much truth to this that it is scary.

Fred

[Firehawk068]

I can attest to the #1- Bees thing............ (I was stung 3 times last year by various stinging insects, once at the WCR)

The worst one I ever got was when I lived in Arizona. I was riding with my visor open about an inch, doing about 40mph, and one hit the front of my helmet and into the open gap.
It landed right on my upper lip, and stung me right in between my nostrils where my lip meets my nose.
I had a fat upper lip, and felt like someone had socked me in the mouth for about 3-4 days.

Anyone who lives in the Southwest, can tell you that swarms of bees migrate from time to time.
One time I was riding on the freeway heading home from Tucson, and I rode right through a swarm that was crossing the I-10.
My helmet, visor, riding gear, and windscreen had about a hundred bees smeared all over them. I had to pull off the next exit and wipe all the bee parts off my visor so I could see properly.
It's a good thing I was travelling around 75mph, and instantly killed any that I came in contact with!

[The General]

Thanks Fred, I just learnt something. I rarely have to indicate a blue hazard ahead to an oncoming motorcyclist but have never used, seen or thought about a "tap" on the helmet. I`ve always used the upheld whirling finger (imitating the flashing blue light) which requires some thought if using the right hand. (reminder, we drive left hand side of road).

Same reason I/we use the "nod" for our oncoming brothers, even cruisers that are or look like Harleys. (Depending on your concentration when executing this movement it is accepted you may not see the polite return gesture as it often occurs simultaneously.....most Sundays you turn into one of those old nodding toys on the car dashboard!)

I often use a hand waive thank you while overtaking riders that are just enjoying the fresh air. (The fact the left hand is free in Aus contributes to my politeness......and yes I do that to Harley riders despite knowing they probly won`t see it!)

I find the Harley riders in my state politely respond, particularly in the last year!!....In fact there appears to be a complete lack of Neanderthals here lately! ....I really miss all that freedom I had to give up for such a privilege.   

(Arnie & Baldy would be asleep right now, so maybe have to give this a bump later.)   

[PaulG]

1. Bees & Animals...  arms, chest, below my right eye

Animals, ... do toads count?  Years ago at night I was on a medium left sweeper about a mile from home when my front wheel hit a toad hopping across the road. The front end does a head shake as the toad is smeared accross the pavement, giving me one of those "streaky" moments.

2. You're Now An Expert Meteorologist...  Well I had a little advantage in the beginning as I had some meteorolgy studies as part of my college course, so proof that college eduation can pay off eventually...

3. Say Goodbye To A and B
... just because....  'zactly - 'nuff said

4. Manholes, Paint and Tar Snakes
Utility companies go around placing large, slick metal plates in the road, ... and why do they like to put 12 in an intersection?  Also the street car tracks in Toronto are extremely hazardous wet or dry - in the wet your front wheel likes to skid over them, and in the dry they catch you and funnel you to your doom...

5. Friends & Strangers
... but some are going to swear riding competency ... I punched one of my best friends once...

...Complete strangers will start approaching you, too... Years ago I talked to an old man in my building out of the blue.  He was Wermacht veteran of WW2 and recounted how he rode a Zundaap with a sidehack through N. Africa, Sicily, Italy, all the way back to Germany.  It had enough torque to pull trucks stuck out of the sand.  An adventure now, but back then?  The stuff movies are made of.

6. You Become A Better Car Driver
Absolutely!  Everyone should learn to ride a motorcycle first for at least 3 yrs before getting into a car.  There 'oughtta be a law!

7. Waving Etiquette
Just had a thought.  Stick one of those wavy-hand-thingys with the suction cup on the helmet.  Problem solved.

8. Working On Your Bike
Take the time to read up about any work you want to do online, talk to knowledgeable friends ... hmmmm... now that's a novel idea...

9. Your Bike Is Stronger Than You Think
...Yes, you can ride it fast and hard and put it away dirty. Your bike's not going to melt in the rain...  Stop fiddle-fartin' around and ride the f'n thing!

10. The Boogers
... that's what the mustache and beard is for..

[FJmonkey]

I rode through a swam of bees once, about 50MPH. As I approached I noticed it, realized what it was, locked the visor and ducked. What a sticky mess, its like they are filled with honey... 

[Capn Ron]

I can attest to the #1- Bees thing............ (I was stung 3 times last year by various stinging insects, once at the WCR)

Alan...you seem to attract bees.  Maybe it's all that smoked meat you produce...  I truly hated seeing a good friend in pain from the stinging bees, but the bee-sting-dance was a little fun to watch (Who's with me here?) and it shifted our timing enough to meet up with another pack of FJ guys from the rally.  Good times!   

[Mark Olson]

I can attest to the #1- Bees thing............ (I was stung 3 times last year by various stinging insects, once at the WCR)

Alan...you seem to attract bees.  Maybe it's all that smoked meat you produce...  I truly hated seeing a good friend in pain from the stinging bees, but the bee-sting-dance was a little fun to watch (Who's with me here?) and it shifted our timing enough to meet up with another pack of FJ guys from the rally.  Good times!   

oh yeah I remember we all met at the big ass tree and heard about the bee dance.

[Firehawk068]

I can attest to the #1- Bees thing............ (I was stung 3 times last year by various stinging insects, once at the WCR)

Alan...you seem to attract bees.  Maybe it's all that smoked meat you produce...  I truly hated seeing a good friend in pain from the stinging bees, but the bee-sting-dance was a little fun to watch (Who's with me here?) and it shifted our timing enough to meet up with another pack of FJ guys from the rally.  Good times!   

oh yeah I remember we all met at the big ass tree and heard about the bee dance.

Yup, got me a couple inches above my right nipple. 

Yeah, if it wouldn't have happened we wouldn't have converged at that corner with the other group.

I would've hoped that all the meat-smoking would keep them away, or at least make them slightly more docile...........

[Derek Young]

I can attest to the #1- Bees thing............ (I was stung 3 times last year by various stinging insects, once at the WCR)

Alan...you seem to attract bees.  Maybe it's all that smoked meat you produce...  I truly hated seeing a good friend in pain from the stinging bees, but the bee-sting-dance was a little fun to watch (Who's with me here?) and it shifted our timing enough to meet up with another pack of FJ guys from the rally.  Good times!   

I agree Ron. It made for a nice meeting of the rally groups. Thanks for taking one for the team Alan!

[moparman70]

1. Bees and Animals

DO DEERs Count ---- probably do especially when they are practically jumping over your front wheel to get across

Mark and the boys were behind me at the time.  definitely a WTF moment -- it was over to quick to be a pucker moment though ( luckily )
sc2

[aviationfred]

1. Bees and Animals

DO DEERs Count ---- probably do especially when they are practically jumping over your front wheel to get across

Mark and the boys were behind me at the time.  definitely a WTF moment -- it was over to quick to be a pucker moment though ( luckily )
sc2

Mark and the rest of us had the pucker moments.   I had visions of Steve sliding down the road behing the Log truck. 


Fred

[theLeopard]

The helmet-tap is universal in the states. Couldnt speak to elsewhere.

I'd also strongly advise handsignals. Theyre more assertive and i find motorists pay more attention to a helmet-wearing stig doing 95 facing backwards sticking his hand in your lane more persuasive than a blinking light that you've probably had flashing for the last 5miles because you were too busy passing centerlane & shoulder to remember to click it off.

Never parallel a semi, either.
I've seen the bay drift 2lanes in heavy wind. Dont do it.

The lowwave is more of a cruiser thing, and to do it properly you need a 3ft length of steel chain dragging on the blacktop but a headnod works well if your hands are occupied.

[The General]

The lowwave is more of a cruiser thing, and to do it properly you need a 3ft length of steel chain dragging on the blacktop.....

[theLeopard]

 

[JPaganel]

1. Bees and Animals

DO DEERs Count ---- probably do especially when they are practically jumping over your front wheel to get across

Deer nothing. A bear did that to me.