On Wednesday I am doing some filming work for the BBC around being a new parent and experiences that go along with that. I need some witty anecdotes that you guys don't mind me plagiarising and making my own for comic effect! They want me to be funny! people tend to laugh at me rather than with me! I have a few of my own but they want them to relate to different areas of parenting which I won't be told about till Wednesday! Therefore if I go armed with as many as poss I figured fore warned is fore armed.
I will go into details about the BBC programme when it's finished, contractually can't talk about it till its 'in the can'
Any help much appreciated!!
I tried to get the bike on camera but they were having none if it!
I`ve got some for teenage years but for new parents I guess Jerry Seinfield said it best:-
A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
I once told one of my son's he was like a ball of clay... and it was my job to mold him as close to me as possible - except without any of my imperfections. The problem was, is that it was his mothers goal too.
How about scary?
Son number 1 was around 2 years old...... I was working on the roof of our 2 story house, look around and here he is walking up to me with a hammer in his hand.........he just climbed the ladder and decided to help!
Son number 2 was about 3........we were at a swimming pool, up the shallow end for the kids, so he decides to go down to the other end, climbs up the 5M ladder and jumps in - he could swim but not THAT well!
Harvy
I thought it would be cool to provide my 2 year old twins with a real hammer and nails. Those Fisher Price jobs were pretty lame to my eye, you see. I had pre-drilled the nail holes in a small length of 2X4 and provided them some 6d nails, so it was easy to hammer them in and remove them for re-hammering. I have a small, 6 oz. hammer that worked well. They loved it. That was until they fought over the hammer... This particular quarrel, my daughter wound up with it and then gave my son a good thump on the noggin to punctuate her triumph. This resulted in a golf ball sized welt on my son's head! At the time this was scary, but it turned out fine, and we laugh about it today.
Needless to say, we went back to the Fisher Price model after that. Interestingly, they did not like the demotion to the plastic stuff, and never really played with it after that. :)
Dan
Good, keep em coming!
Anything related to relationship with other half?
Or related to getting out of the house with baby for the first time - like 'the time you left the baby in the carrier on the roof of the car and went to drive off' type stuff! need humouros but not scarey stuff!!
Children are like taking photos, you never know how they will develope
Alfred E Newman
Andrew's mom decided on bottle-feeding him, starting about the second night. This worked out okay because it let me take some of the midnight feedings. Late one night, I had him on my hip in the kitchen while I fixed him a bottle of formula at the kitchen sink. I was running hot tap water over the bottle to warm it for his consumption, and I had him supported in one hand. Next to the sink, we had a Rubbermaid dish drainer, the thing that holds wet plates and glasses upright to dry, and on this particular night it had a couple of glasses hanging on the outside tabs and a couple of small dishes, but it was mostly empty.
Anyway, I moved both hands over the sink to test the bottle's temperature on my wrist, supporting baby Andrew on my hip with my left arm. He moved his head and I went to move my hip under him more to move his c-g back beneath him, but I was against the counter already and couldn't move my hip enough. I had the leverage to slow but not prevent his descent, and I got my hand under the back of his head to support it and cushion it, but I still wound up with my arm and my son going "CLANK!-rattle" into the dish drainer.
The sudden motion and noise scared him to tears, and it was about three seconds before I heard angry footsteps coming down the stairs, which nearly scared ME to tears. I had to think of a good reason why he might have started crying suddenly and so loudly. Andrew's mom appeared in the kitchen doorway, angry expression enhanced by puffy bloodshot eyes and tangled spiky bed-hair, and growled at me, "WhatDidYouDoToTheBaby???"
Thinking quickly, I answered, "I dropped him in the dish drainer."
DAMMIT.
She stormed toward me with outstretched hands and said, in a voice you may have heard proclaiming that there is no Dana, only Zuul, "GIVE HIM TO ME!"
Maybe this helps explain the high divorce rate that we enjoy in the US.
I used to bring my new-born in the garage with me while I worked on my bikes. I used bungee cords and tie-downs to make a 9 foot pendulum and swing him from the rafters. Only needed a push every 20 minutes or so...
Quote from: Dads_FJ on November 20, 2012, 09:24:32 AM
I used to bring my new-born in the garage with me while I worked on my bikes. I used bungee cords and tie-downs to make a 9 foot pendulum and swing him from the rafters. Only needed a push every 20 minutes or so...
I like that one!!
true story happened to me: :mail1:
I am taking a shower and my wife hands me our 1 yr old who has need of a wash off after a poopy diaper , she goes back to making breakfast and I wash the kid and set her down in the bottom of the shower and I am washing my hair when my 1 yr old decides to use my manhood as a hand hold to pull herself up. :shok:
I yelled and the baby laughed and my wife comes running in and says "oh look the baby is standing up all by herself".
2nd true story:
It is my day off, 100 degrees out side and the A/C quits working. So I am up on the roof changing the condenser fan motor in the A/C unit of my home . My 2yr old daughter is playing in the backyard with the dog and I can see her so I think everything is ok. My wife is at work and other kids at school and I told my 2yr old we would play a game after I was done fixing the a/c. I go back to finishing the repair when much to my surprise she is standing next to me holding a six pack of Budweiser and says "you look hot daddy ,I brought you something to drink". My heart stopped as I know she just climbed a 24 ft extension ladder carrying a six beers and walked across 20 ft of roof to get to where I was. All I could think was , thank God she didn't drop the beer!
Good one Mark! lol-ing...
Here's my 'oh-shit' story. I have three boys, now 16, 14, and 12, but when they were 4.5, 2.5, and .5 I wasn't used to having three boys. One weekend day we had some shopping to do... it was raining so I dropped off my wife and the two older boys at the door and I'll go park the car. See where I'm going with this? I park the car and meet her at the store and she's like "where's Johnny"?! :shok: and I'm like "oh fuck" :unknown: and she's like :ireful: :mad: :ireful: :mad: and I'm like :dash1: and :flag_of_truce: yup, right in the car where I left him.
6 kids here... hence the screen name. I don't know where to start.
The best one: I was in the Air Force, deployed to the desert. My wife loaded up the kids and went to church. On the way home, our daughter, maybe 10 years old, yells from the back seat, "Mom, I accidentally picked up someone else's Bible!" Mom says, "Do you know who's?" "Yes." my daughter said. "Her name is Genine. It's printed right here on the cover. Genine Cowhide." [Genuine Cowhide]
My wife had to pull the van over because she was laughing so hard.
The more sober side of the spectrum.
Life lesson: If you have a child that has abandoned all of your guidance and left in rebellion, realize that this child is making independent (bad) decisions. Don't beat yourself up about it and take all the blame. Just love them, pray for them, and wait in the doorway, anticipating their return.
Cheers guys, I'm off to get some beauty sleep now, wanna be purdey for my close up! Will check in the morn for any last minute funny stuff! I will let you know how I get on! I may well use the car park story dads_fj!!
Dads_fj got a lucky break, but the forgetting-the-kid-in-the-parked-car situation ends badly often enough that you may want to think twice about using it as a basis for comedy. A younger guy in my dads department did that - it was the routine for the wife to take the baby, she needed the husband to take him this one time, kid fell asleep in the car seat, dad spaced it and just drove to work and parked in the car park like always.
Currently sitting waiting to do this thing! A bit nervous if I'm honest! :wacko2:
there is the traditional lying in bed with the baby crying in the next room in the middle of the night and each parent pretending to be asleep so they don't have to get up.
I would lay there until I got kicked by my wife with the exclamation ITS YOUR TURN.
On rainy days I would come up with inventive ways to entertain my 3 daughters . On one particular weekend while( my wife was at work) I hitched the dog to a round snow disc so it would pull the kids up and down the hallway. (note: the dog was a lab/husky mix that weighed 110 lbs.) so it was like sled dog fun time. slow trot for about 30 ft. with a 5,4 and 10 month old.
this not being fast enough for me I decided to give the dog an incentive to go faster. I took my daughters new kitten and and leashed it to the dog with a 3 ft lead and put the 10 month on the disc by herself and dropped the kitten in front of the dog . This worked a little to well and the dog bolted after the kitten that ran like hell from the dog. This ended badly with a pile up in the room at the end of the hall where the baby slammed into the wall when the dog turned right and the sled disc did not.
I worked out the trajectory and used pillows for the" crash zone" and we got a few more runs in before my wife came home and caught us in the act. I thought the bruises on the baby's head gave her character. My wife was not amused . :diablo:
Later the 10 month old developed a hobby of riding the dog around in the backyard at 5am with no diaper yelling "howdy, howdy, howdy" . The back fence neighbors would call and wake us up with this news.
I probably should not mention the time the baby got left in the clothes dryer after a game of hide and seek . ........Yeah , somebody turned it on :blush:
4 kids 3 girls 1 1 boy
My youngest girl was in kinder garden
until Jake was born I used to tease the girls that I would trade them in for a boy. So one day I am driving down the road with my youngest daughter Amanda she gets all quite and serious and says to me it wold be better if I was a boy. My mind starts racing I'm thinking what damage have I done to my kid. I pull over and ask why she thinks it would be better if she was a boy? Her reply because then I would'nt have to have a baby was a great relief to me
While I don't have any kids here is something from my childhood.
Sitting at dinner one evening a week before Easter. What are we having for dinner? Yup.. Rabbit.. What does my old man tell my sister and I?
Hey kids.. hope you were not expecting any candy for Easter, because we're eating the Easter Bunny!
We never had rabbit again..
Well went to London today to my 'thing' it went ok but was not quite as I had imagined. The types of thing they told me they were going to talk about and the stuff I (with help from You guys) prepared wasn't really what they wanted. Feel a bit cheated if I'm honest! that's TV I guess?! Should be going to air in late feb/march. Not sure if you guys get BBC abroad? Can you access the BBC iplayer on the Internet?
Quote from: nurse on November 21, 2012, 03:17:13 PM
Well went to London today to my 'thing' it went ok but was not quite as I had imagined. The types of thing they told me they were going to talk about and the stuff I (with help from You guys) prepared wasn't really what they wanted. Feel a bit cheated if I'm honest! that's TV I guess?! Should be going to air in late feb/march. Not sure if you guys get BBC abroad? Can you access the BBC iplayer on the Internet?
Doesn`t matter. It was a really great thread. Got heaps of laughs out of it. Your next interview should be over here. We`ve started your language lessons already. :rofl:
Quote from: The General on November 21, 2012, 03:39:05 PM
Quote from: nurse link=topic=7899.msg72147#msg72147 date=
We`ve started your language lessons already. :rofl:
/quote]
I know and you have taught me well! How many Brits would know that the capital of oz is Erinsborough, that its largest town is called summer bay and the Sheila you lot call prime president lives at No 10 Ramsey street. On a serious note did I read somewhere your prime minister is half British or something!
I should be so lucky, Lucky lucky lucky!
I had bought my grandson a Lowes tool kit (all plastic toys) last weekend, my daughter called to tell me he took these plastic toys and had disassembled his crib, and taken all the nuts and bolts to her. He'll be four in Feb. This weekend they came up for Thanksgiving, I found him in the garage with a srewdriver "fixing" the carbs on my Seca 900....
Sorry to resurrect a rather old post but I thought I would update you all.
The programme i was asking for help with is now finished and goes to air on the 21/3/13, 9pm on BBC3. Its called 'The Baby bomb' It runs for four episodes over 4 weeks. Dont blink during the first episode as you may miss me, i only feature for about 2 minutes. however as the series gors in you will see a bit more of me!!
I guess this is more for those of you in the uk, but those over seas may be able to watch it online somehow. I will try to post some bits up on YouTube and on my new website. I have to go to London for an advanced screening in Sunday. It's right in the centre of London Town so will have to take the bike (weather is cold and wet but it is the only way to get there and park!). I'm heading off on a tangent now!
If any of you happen to like what you see (or don't see) and wish to email the BBC and tell them how great that male health visitor was in 'the baby bomb' I would be so grateful. This is a hugely cheeky ask but They may do another series and if I can get my foot in the door I would be so pleased! Consider this an SOS to all kind hearted soles that after the 21st could take a few minutes out of their day to email feedback to the BBC. I don't even mind if you just make it up!!
I will post up again after it goes out to see if anyone caught it!
Have added a link for the programme
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00xs0jp (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00xs0jp)
For all the older ones out there "Gunsmoke" many years ago:
I remember this exchange between Matt Dillon and Dirty Sally:
Dirty Sally: "I think children out to be kept in a rain barrel and fed through the bung hole (of the barrel) until they're 18!!"
Matt: "What happens when they turn 18 - you let them out?"
Dirty Sally: "NOPE! You plug up the bung hole!!!"
Geroge
I forgot to mention I got a website too! Yes this is shameless self promotion and for those who understand SEO my website guy has asked me to put it about a bit! Besides its no good for 98% of you coz you many of you live on the other side of the planet or pond! so it really is just a helping hand. But on a genuine note I am just sharing with you all so you can see what I have been up to. Plus any help from my FJ brethren would be gratefully recieved. Feel free to post the address in blogs or share with friends on forums or websites!
http://www.privatehealthvisitoruk.co.uk/index.html (http://www.privatehealthvisitoruk.co.uk/index.html)
http://www.privatehealthvisitoruk.co.uk/index.html (http://www.privatehealthvisitoruk.co.uk/index.html)
Also on twitter @Mike_C_Higgins
Not so much as a good luck! Miserable bunch of gits!
Its BBC3 9pm 21/3/13
Not that anyone gives a ......!
Quote from: nurse on March 20, 2013, 06:18:14 PM
Not so much as a good luck! Miserable bunch of gits!
Its BBC3 9pm 21/3/13
Not that anyone gives a ......!
Mike,
We're just eagerly awaiting the scandal that naturally follows a reality TV star's climb to fame.
What's yours gonna be? Drugs? Sex? Violins?
Good Luck! (PHUCK EWE!!!)
Sincerely,
Steve
Check me out!! This is in addition to the TV appearances. Just wish I had got the bike on there now. Just a warning I'm not sure you will be able to watch them
From outside the uk as they are funny about non tv licence payers watching their stuff online!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016nfw4 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016nfw4)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016mjb0 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016mjb0)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016mf95 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016mf95)
Let me know what you think if you can watch it!
Quote from: nurse on March 22, 2013, 03:58:07 PM
Check me out!! This is in addition to the TV appearances. Just wish I had got the bike on there now. Just a warning I'm not sure you will be able to watch them
From outside the uk as they are funny about non tv licence payers watching their stuff online!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016nfw4 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016nfw4)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016mjb0 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016mjb0)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016mf95 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p016mf95)
Let me know what you think if you can watch it!
What are tha odds. Clicked on tha link to watch some pommie fj brother (I didn`t have a clue of what it`s about) and it`s all about baby stuff. I thought, "only pink stripers would be interested in this!". But would you believe, right beside me is my daughter breastfeeding grand generaless Ella Grace. - I ended up watching all three clips (with my daughter) and they absoluteley loved it and hung off every scene. (Well Ella looked happy - but that coulda been cause she was enjoying brekky I guess). My Daughter`s comment - They really need more (read desperate) of that in Australia. (She`s got a degree or two in science, education, kids etc). Onya Mike. :good2:
Quote from: nurse on March 22, 2013, 03:58:07 PM
Check me out!! ... Let me know what you think if you can watch it!
Mike,
I was able to watch them from Florida.
You came across in a professional manner, and seemed like you knew what you were talking about.
Not too shabby fer' bein' "Biker Scum"!
You make us so proud. :yes:
Steve
Bless ya fella! Thanks for the kind words! TBH I didn't think it would work overseas as the BBC are dead funny about allowing web access to view content from over seas!
In one of the out take scenes the producers asked about sex after having had a baby, was it different, what should you consider etc. So as I started to give a sensible and professional answer one of the assistant producers (baring in mind they are all under 30 and none have kids) chips in with 'I hear they say its like a wizards sleeve, I replied that some mums I have worked with had been told by husbands it was like a room with no furniture! Well at this point there were about 6 people including the guy doing the camera crying with laughter! I did have to restart anout 10 mins of this hysteria and give an answer 'wearing my work hat' but I guess that never quite made it to the final cut.
Throwing a hot dog down the hallway..... :drinks:
Quote from: RichBaker on March 27, 2013, 07:13:48 PM
Throwing a hot dog down the hallway..... :drinks:
I was thinking the same...But it is a hallway that has not been traveled for some time, beggars cannot be choosers....
"You ever parked your bicycle in an airplane hangar? You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano?" - Fluisa in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
I guess they didn't offer the option of a "husband stitch" or two??? (Insurance might not cover the procedure)
:mocking: