So I'm at Walmart buying a bag of dog food. While in the check out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, right? So on impulse I told her no "I didn't have a dog. I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. I lost 50lbs before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms." " I told her it was essentially the perfect diet. All you do is load your pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The dog food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I am going to try it again". ( By this time almost everyone in line is listening to my story.) Horrified this woman asked if I ended up in ICU because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, "no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me."I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Holy fuck I can't stop laughing!
On my way home from work I would stop at my friend Glen's car repair business. Glen had a genuine junkyard dog he would turn loose in the building after closing. This was a ferocious German shepherd who would only let Glen approach. He tolerated me but there was no petting him. One day while I was sitting in Glen's office I noticed a box of dog treats on his desk and being hungry tried one. It was very good--tasted like Wheat Thins. Glen saw me and asked what the heck I was doing. I told him eating dog treats, try one. Glen did and was of the same opinion. So he got a beer and I got a coke and between Glen, me and the dog we polished off the box. No ill effects occurred to Glen or me. Except now my bark is worse than my bite.
True story.
Dave